If Only
by JadeCrescent Fallen
Summary: Lloyd pays a visit to the grave of his lost lover in the aftermath of the fall of Yggdrasill. There, he can do nothing but lament...and remember. LloydxZelos, OneShot


**Disclaimer: I do not own Tales of Symphonia.  
**_**Bolded Italicized lines** _**are flashbacks.  
**_Italicized lines _**are thoughts.  
****Don't forget to review when you're finished reading!**

**XXX**

**If Only**

The first thing Lloyd Irving saw as he neared the grave was Seles. She was sitting by the small, flat stone and reading a book, her large hat sheltering her soft blue eyes from the sun, eyes that looked up at him, approaching with a bouquet of pink cosmos and white tulips clutched in gloved hands.

It was silent as he laid the flowers on top of the grave, which spelt out "ZELOS WILDER" in neat, cursive letters. He straightened up, and looked at Seles.

"...You erected the stone perfectly," he said to the girl.

She smiled. "This is your first time coming to see it?"

"Sheena told me about it. You can imagine how everyone was surprised to see a ninja-summoner in Iselia."

Seles laughed, and closed her book, pocketing it in her frilly skirt.

"I guess the people of old Sylvarant aren't used to people like Sheena," she guessed.

"No, not at all," Lloyd replied, remembering when he thought Mizuho's clothing style was like his own.

There was silence for a few minutes. Finally, Seles stood up and brushed some dirt off her skirt, and Lloyd urged to say what had been on his mind ever since he saw her. "...Zelos cared about you a lot," he blurted out.

Seles, taken aback by the sudden words, didn't know how to respond. Finally, she settled with another smile. "I know."

More silence.

"...I was Chosen for a short period of time. It was sudden. I was just sitting in the abbey, sorting books, when I felt this pain sear through my back. My muscles all failed and I fell to the ground. Then, there was this sudden feeling of needles puncturing my back and I look in the mirror a minute later and there is a pair of orange wings coming from my back. Can you imagine how happy I was? I've always wanted to be Chosen. I was so jealous of Zelos."

Seles looked down at her brother's grave. "...and that's when I realized he was dead."

Lloyd's heart flopped over in his chest. He _hated _that realization.

"It took forever for me to accept it. I thought that he had willingly given up his rights to me. But...you can't do that without dying. The Oracle wouldn't allow it. The worst part of it all was that I couldn't even _know _because I was in an isolated abbey. I barely knew what was going on in the real world at all. And when Sylvarant and Tethe'alla combined? I didn't even notice until someone told me. And the first thing I hear when I get out of the forsaken place is that my brother's dead." Seles began to walk away from the grave.

Lloyd didn't know what to say in reply. Seles turned and looked at him. "...If he _really_ loved me, then he must have _really_ loved you. Don't forget that."

She bid him adieu and once her hat was out of sight, the brunette turned back towards Zelos's grave and stared at it. He had only planned on a quick visit, but he didn't want to leave. So, he sat down in front of the grave.

"So, Zelos." Lloyd already felt a lump in his throat, but he continued. "Mithos lost. The worlds have been combined. Colette's no longer a Chosen. Actually, there's no need for Chosens anymore. You hear that, Zelos? You could be here, scot-free of any responsibilities. You could be living the simple life like you wanted."

The wind rustled the cosmos flowers, a petal detaching and blowing away. _Beautiful and unattainable, _Lloyd thought. _That's what I first thought when I laid my eyes on you._

"_**Now now, settle down my darlin' hunnies!" Lloyd heard a nonchalant, masculine voice say not too far behind the crowd of women.**_

_**The owner of the voice appeared, and all the brooding women turned and burst into a fit of shrieks and giggles. Everyone's eyes fell on the newcomer and Lloyd found himself unable to stop staring.**_

_**The man had long, wavy red hair that fell elegantly past his shoulders. He wore a tight black shirt underneath a pink long-coat, and baggy white pants.**_

_**The man's soft blue eyes met Lloyd's chocolate ones and the swordsman felt a blush creep up his face. Lloyd stood there as the man shamelessly flirted with Colette and the women grew exceptionally angry. "Master Zelos," they called him, trying desperately to get him to leave with them.**_

_**Soul-deprived Colette threw Zelos far away from her in response to his advances. Lloyd's first thought was whether he was alright or not, and gazed in silent awe as Zelos landed on his feet gracefully. **_

"_**W-Who are you?" Lloyd asked.**_

_**Zelos looked at him, red hair falling in front of his face in a way that made Lloyd's pants tighten.**_

"_**...Sorry, I'm not interested in talking to guys," he replied with a smirk, and then rounded on Raine while Genis watched, scowling.**_

_**Lloyd's heart sank. There went his hopes. He always had bad luck.**_

Lloyd laughed, and began to trace Zelos's name on the gravestone. "At that point, I was glad I would never see you again, and somehow I'd get over you. But then you just had to be the Chosen of Tethe'alla. So, I of course ended up screwed. And you had to travel with us. I became so..._frustrated._"

"_**Good, good. I like your attitude. I'll remember you," Zelos said to the shopkeeper.**_

_**He approached the group, Key Crest in hand.**_

**_Lloyd felt so grateful. He smiled when Zelos handed the Key Crest to him. "Thanks, Zelos."_**

"_**It was nothing. It was for my cute Colette," the redhead answered.**_

"_**Always for the girls, huh?" Lloyd muttered under his breath, jealous.**_

"_**Hmmm? Suddenly your aura feels very down in the dumps."**_

_**Lloyd looked down at the ground. "It's nothing."**_

"_**Yeah, nothing my ass. Come on, spill out your secrets to the good doctor Zelos."**_

**_Lloyd chuckled. "No thank y—" He looked up to find Zelos's amazingly handsome face barely half a foot away from his._**

_**He felt his face burn as Zelos inspected him...close...much too close. He flicked his friend on the cheek. "You're a crazy customer, Lloyd. But that's what I like about you," he said, withdrawing from Lloyd's personal space and smiling brightly at him.**_

"_**Let's get going. The group's already outside Sybak." Zelos pointed to the empty spot where their group once stood.**_

"_**Huh? Oh! Yeah, I guess. Let's go," Lloyd said, lost in thought.**_

_**Zelos laughed. "You're always out of it. Although I hardly think you're thinking."**_

_**Lloyd made a face. "Thanks a lot."**_

"_**No problem, my friend!"**_

Lloyd stretched himself out, lying with his head on the gravestone. "You remember that one night in Altamira, when we went to the beach? It was so dark out..."

"**_Finally, the first day in forever we get to relax." Zelos was sprawled out on the warm, dry sand of the Altamira beach, wearing nothing but his black shirt and a pair of swimming trunks._**

_**Lloyd was doing all he could not to look at Zelos. The man was just too good-looking, and his own swim trunks would not conceal a certain phenomenon that was prone to happen down there whenever he looked at the redhead. "Yeah."**_

"_**It's really a beautiful night, isn't it? The stars are everywhere, and the waves aren't high...a nice place to relax. I'd rather stay here than go back to the hotel room."**_

"_**We haven't even gone swimming," Lloyd remarked.**_

"_**I'm not much of a fan of swimming. I prefer the sand. It's so warm and comfortable. Except when it gets in your shoes. Which, by the way, is why you don't wear shoes to a beach at night."**_

"_**Thank you for teaching me Beach Ethics 101," Lloyd replied.**_

_**Zelos laughed, that deliciously sexy laugh that made Lloyd's skin prickle in delight.**_

"_**...Do you like anyone?" Lloyd asked, curiosity winning over sense.**_

"_**Huh? What brought that on?" Zelos asked. "I do, yeah of course I do."**_

"_**...I do to."**_

"_**Well everyone knows you do," Zelos said.**_

_**Lloyd knew he was referring to Colette. He chuckled.**_

"_**Myself, however, the person I like I don't know if I should like. A lot of people think its wrong, but I don't necessarily think that. It sucks to because I know that person is taken. It's been bugging me for a long time. A lot of people would be surprised too. I don't know if I should say." Zelos seemed to drift away in his words.**_

_**Lloyd turned and looked at the Chosen. He was staring up at space, smiling sadly.**_

"_**Great, you've gotten me thinking now. Great job, Lloyd."  
**_

_**Zelos closed his eyes. "I really wish I could tell that person..."**_

"_**What, too far away?" Lloyd asked, inching closer to Zelos, feeling his yearning grow uncontrollable. **_

"_**No, very close actually. I'm just a coward, that's all."**_

**_Zelos opened his eyes and found Lloyd hovering over him, trapped underneath him with the boy's hands at his sides. Surprise wrote itself all over his face when Lloyd pressed his lips into Zelos's._**

**_The brunette collapsed on top of the redhead, wrapping his arms around his neck and kissing him hard and deep, his tongue entering the Chosen's mouth and scoping the cavern hungrily. Lloyd's legs intertwined with Zelos's as he continued the kiss, his hands grabbing a tight hold on the older man's shoulders._**

_**Finally, Lloyd broke the kiss and they stared at each other for a while. Lloyd suddenly felt very stupid. He scrambled off of Zelos and stood up, pacing with a crimson face. He beat himself with his hand. "Stupid, stupid stupid...I'm so sorry!"**_

_**Zelos was stunned. "What the hell? I-I thought you liked Colette!"**_

"**_Colette is one of my closest friends and I love her...but not the way I love you, Zelos! Ever since I saw you I liked you, but when you joined our group...I just became so goddamn jealous of it all! You, hitting on the girls and calling me your best friend. I want to be more than just a best friend, but I know I can't...I know..." Lloyd felt himself tear up._**

_**Zelos stared at him for a minute, and then sighed. "Lloyd...the crush I have...that's you. I like you. I always have."**_

_**Lloyd couldn't believe his ears. "...What?"**_

"_**...I only flirt with girls because I don't want people to know I'm gay. People don't like it. And I just wanted to live a simple life, without hassle. How could it be simple if people came and harassed me all the time? I'd hate it. I always thought you were in love with Colette." Zelos shook his head. "I can't believe I was wrong."**_

"_**I never should have hidden this!" Lloyd cried, flinging himself into Zelos. "I'm sorry I...I caused you so much grief."**_

_**Zelos slowly put his arms around Lloyd. "Same goes for you...Lloyd..."**_

The stars were appearing in the indigo skies above. Lloyd hadn't realized he had been there so long. Still, he didn't want to leave.

"I remember our first time, too...well, not your first time, but still...how could I forget? The dinner party was just downstairs, and I was so worried we would be heard..."

_**Lloyd groaned loudly, feeling his way into Zelos, who was writhing underneath him, moaning in ecstasy as the brunette above him moved into every good spot he could find inside the redhead.**_

"_**O-Oh hell...don't stop...please...Lloyd!" Zelos cried out as Lloyd thrust into a new, untouched sweet spot.**_

"**_Zelos...I'm going to come..." Lloyd groaned, leaning down and licking his ear, nibbling it affectionately._**

"**_L-Lloyd...stop teasing me you bast—ahhh!" Zelos moaned loudly, feeling Lloyd's release. Lloyd in turn let out a pleasurable sound, gripping Zelos's sides tightly._**

_**Minutes later, they were embracing each other under scrunched, warm sheets.**_

"_**Zelos..."**_

"_**Mmmm?"**_

"_**Will you come with me?"**_

_**Zelos opened his eyes and looked at his new lover. "What?"**_

"**_After everything's over...after the worlds are combined, and everything's the way it once was...I'm going on a journey. To get rid of every Exsphere in the world. But I really don't want to do it alone..." Lloyd traced his fingers down Zelos's bare chest._**

_**Zelos smiled. "Of...course. Yeah, I'll go with you. Just the two of us?"**_

"_**Yeah. Who else?"**_

"_**...It'll be...great." Zelos was smiling, but Lloyd could have sworn he sounded sad.**_

**_"We should get back to the dinner party, huh? You're the host after all," Lloyd pointed out._**

**_"...Let's stay here just a little longer."_**

Lloyd was playing with a cosmos flower from the bouquet. He was picking the petals off absentmindedly. "...When I found you crying in Flanoir, right before we left for the Tower of Salvation. I should have listened closer to you, thought of your meaning...perhaps I would have been able to save you..."

_**Lloyd recognized those sobs. Not that he had ever heard Zelos cry before, but the voice couldn't be mistaken for anyone else. He opened the door quietly, peeking in.**_

_**Zelos was sitting on his bed, head buried in arms, crying quietly. About what, Lloyd didn't know, but it hurt him anyway. He quietly closed the door behind him and approached the bed.**_

**_Zelos unburied his head to see who was coming. When he saw Lloyd, he quickly dried his tears. A little too late, Lloyd was already sitting on the side of the bed, stroking Zelos's hair. "What' wrong?"_**

_**  
"...H-Hah, I guess it's t-too late to say 'nothing'. Alright, suppose I told you I really don't know what I'm supposed to do." Zelos hiccupped.**_

"_**What is it that you want to do?" Lloyd asked.**_

"_**It's...hard to explain. But what I do know is that the decision I make will be crucial. If I make the one I want to make, then I know something bad will happen," Zelos said.**_

_**Lloyd stopped petting him. "What will happen?"**_

"**_...People might hate me. But, the funny thing is that I don't really care about what most of them think. I like them all, but it doesn't effect me."_**

"_**Well, that's fine then. It's your choice, no one should have to make it for you," Lloyd told him.**_

"_**I know. Even so I think about one person, and I second guess myself."**_

_**Lloyd sighed. "Look. Even if it affects people you like, it's what you want. You shouldn't let feelings get in the way of decisions. Do what you believe."**_

_**Zelos was silent for a moment. He nodded. "Yeah, you're right. I know that I'll still love that person even when I'm doing what I'm doing. What I'm worried about is if I have to hurt that person."**_

"_**When it comes down to it, you should always stick to what you want. If that person tries to change it, then you can retaliate however you want. It doesn't change your feelings." Lloyd smiled gently at the redhead.**_

**_Zelos averted his gaze. "...Yeah...if only it were that easy..."_**

Lloyd was in tears. They were pouring down his cheeks and staining the gravestone, darkening the granite and filling up the deep carving of Zelos's name, before soaking into the stone.

"You stupid idiot! You could be here! But you just _had _to listen to what I said, and take your own route! You had to come at me with the intent to kill! You HAD TO, DIDN'T YOU?!"

"**_I'll never forgive you for this!" Lloyd yelled, his double swords clanging with Zelos's broadsword._**

"_**Tsk. Like I care," Zelos said with a smirk, deflecting his blow and striking Lloyd on the side. **_

_**They were fighting vigorously on the platform, Lloyd throwing techniques at Zelos as much as possible, who was spending a lot of energy using Guardian to block them. Zelos was locked in a parry with his former lover, as they spun around the room, trying to break through each other's defenses. **_

**_Lloyd won, slashing Zelos's shoulder and aiming his other sword at his abdomen. In response, Zelos back-flipped and threw his sword at Lloyd, who dodged it, surprised by his sudden release of his weapon._**

"_**Fireball!" Zelos yelled, sending a stream of fireballs at the unsuspecting swordsman. Lloyd defended quickly, while the redhead ran and jumped over Lloyd's head, landing on the wall, grabbing his sword, jumping from the wall, and coming down on his head. "Light Spear!" he cried, sending a powerful blast of energy through his sword and into Lloyd.**_

_**Lloyd screamed, feeling like he just fell into a wall of spikes, and collapsed to his knees, using his swords for support.**_

_**He realized his mistake when Zelos came at him. Both his swords were stuck in the ground and unusable without taking the time to pull them out. Instead of striking him with a sword, the Chosen kicked him in the end, sending him flying into a column.**_

**_Zelos's bright orange wings fluttered behind him as he gazed at the struggling Lloyd. "I thought you were stronger than this."_**

"_**And I thought you LOVED me, you son of a bitch!" Lloyd screamed, a tear falling down his face as he stood up shakily.**_

"_**Who ever said I didn't?!" Zelos cried, flying at him, sword at the ready.**_

"_**Then why exactly are you doing this!" the brunette asked, rolling out of the way and retrieving his swords.**_

"**_I already explained that to you! And I thought you'd be the one who'd understand why I side with Yggdrasill!" Zelos yelled._**

"**_No, I really don't understand!" Lloyd spat, slashing at Zelos to interrupt another attempt at a Light Spear._**

_**Their swords locked again, and this time, Lloyd wouldn't let him win. He pushed forward, and focused his energy. In a burst, he overpowered the Chosen and pushed him back, slashing his shield in half.**_

_**Zelos skidded across the floor, using his sword to slow down. Lloyd rushed him, but he prepared himself with another flurry of fireballs. Lloyd back-flipped and met Zelos in the air. They slashed each other at the exact same moment and their swords went flying.**_

**_Lloyd's hit the floor, scattering far apart from one another, while Zelos's lodged itself into the wall far above. With his wings, it wasn't hard to reach. Lloyd hit the ground and rushed for a sword, Zelos's already unstuck and coming toward him. In the nick of time, Lloyd pivoted and met Zelos's sword with his own. Zelos flew above him and stabbed downward, Lloyd dodging and grabbing the blade with his gloved hands._**

_**Zelos gasped as Lloyd pulled him to the ground, keeping a firm hold on his sword. Lloyd threw Zelos far from him. Zelos growled and ran at him. Another clang of metal, and Zelos slipped. He caught himself, and as he twisted to look back at Lloyd, his eyes widened as his former lover drove his blade straight through his heart.**_

_**Like the time barrier around them, everything froze. Zelos's mouth opened in a silent gasp. Lloyd's heart began to beat faster when it dawned on him what he had just done. Zelos stared into Lloyd's eyes, his blue orbs clouding. Lloyd's shaking arm pulled the sword out of him.**_

_**Zelos fell forward, onto Lloyd, who could barely hold him up, his body shaking uncontrollably. His heart was crushed to pieces as he heard Zelos whisper into his ear. "Lloyd...I still love you."**_

**_He slid down his former lover's body, coming to a stop on the floor, where he lay on his side, a small pool of blood growing beside him. Lloyd's eyes blurred with tears. He looked like he was sleeping._**

_**The time barrier disappeared and his friends reappeared. Lloyd heard a strangled shriek from Sheena and a gasp from Raine. **_

"_**What the hell happened?!" Sheena cried, running and collapsing beside Zelos's body.**_

"_**He can't be...dead..." Regal said quietly.**_

_**The rest of the scene was a blur to Lloyd, who was standing stiffly, staring at Zelos, tears pouring down his face as Raine desperately tried to heal him, crying in frustration with each failed attempt.**_

"_**Lloyd, say something! What happened?"**_

"_**Zelos, he's dead!"**_

"_**Why did this happen?! What did you do?"**_

"_**Lloyd, snap out of it!"**_

_**Lloyd looked at all of them. He couldn't say anything. He didn't want to say anything about Zelos. He didn't want to say that he went with Yggdrasill, that he was a spy and a traitor.**_

"_**...I'm sorry..."**_

Lloyd stared at the grave, his cheeks stained with excessive crying. "...I'm sorry...that you were such an idiot..."

He picked up a rock nearby, and began to carve into an empty spot on the grave. A heart, with an L in the middle.

He stood up, prepared to leave. The night air was heavy now, and Dirk would wonder where he had gone.

"...Take care..."

"_**So you're Lloyd Irving."**_

"_**Yeah, what about it?"**_

_**The beautiful redhead smiled at him. "You know, I have a feeling we're really gonna like each other."**_

_**Lloyd stared at him, surprised. "I thought you only associated with women," he said teasingly.**_

"_**I do. But I make exceptions."**_

"_**Exceptions?"**_

"_**Nothing. And you're making me lose the group. Oh Sheena!" he called, running after the ninja.**_

**_Lloyd watched him. A small smile spread across his face. "Zelos Wilder, huh?"_**

**XxXxXx**

The end! It's a short one-shot I made after watching my favorite character die by Lloyd's hand. I restarted the game and cried for ten minutes. For those who don't want to take this route, get very friendly with Zelos (which I failed to do because I'm an idiot and skipped through half of the cool events) and accept a character's requests to walk with them in Flanoir. If you get Kratos, odds are Zelos is dead tomorrow morning. Man, I was so depressed! First Aeris, then Zelos! I'm a bit afraid to play FFXII now; Penelo will probably be next...

I'm considering making a full-length Zelos/Lloyd fic later, after I replay Tales of Symphonia. One of the things I love the most about this game is how realistic it is. That Zelos would betray them and decide to fight Lloyd to the death because he didn't get them to trust him enough. It hurt him, because he really was considering taking their side. I mean, that's what I call a very good representation on situations such as that.

I hope you enjoyed the fanfiction, I appreciate reviews and constructive critism!

Until next fic,

JadeCrescent Fallen


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